Théo

et

Sa Belle

Sun 2.5.23

After a Saturday night of drinking and dancing, we all meet at Léon's place in the morning.  Raymond wants to go to the movies.  'What's playing?" Théo asks.  

He shrugs his shoulders.

"I'll go," says Léon.

"Count me in," his brother Freddy adds.

"I'd like to go but I don't have any money," Dick comments looking around the room.

Nobody says a word.  A long pause then Léon speaks, "I'll pay your way."

"Wantta go," Théo asks me.

"Naw, I don't want to be shut up in a movie theater in the middle of the day."

Everybody leaves except the two of us.  We're all gonna meet at Luiggi's later for pizza.  "Hey Baby, we got rid of that bunch," Théo looks at me leeringly.  I turn on the radio to WCOU in Lewiston, Home of the Hits.  

"I'll go down and get the Sunday paper," Théo offers.  "Want something?"

"Get some coffee and donuts, honey dips and jellies."  After he's gone I light a cigarette at the window and watch him skip and dart through the crowd on the Strip heading for Rodrigue's Variety.  The way clears and he canters like a pony along the sidewalk.  His body is slim and graceful.

After he gets back, we take our shoes off and he pulls off the golden bedspread folding it neatly at the end of the bed.  Ever the gentleman, he motions for me to get in on the inside then he gets in next to me, cracks open the pink box of Dunkin' Donuts, then hands me my coffee.  Théo gets into the "news."  He reads the paper and listens to the news on the radio.  I can't take that stuff seriously.  A lot of foolishness, I think.  It's aimed at a 12 year old mind.  What he sees in this is beyond me.  Maybe he thinks it's part of being an adult.  I go for the Sunday Funnies, myself.

After about an hour of perusing the paper and stuffing our faces with donuts Théo reaches over and tickles me in the waist.  "Oh yeah!" I challenge, then I jump on top of him and find that weak spot at his neck and collar bone and give him a rasberry.  He manages to get me off him and throw me over to the side, then he sits on top of me, "Say Mon Oncle."

"In a pig's eye!"

"You're just making it harder on yourself, ma belle."

I manage to buck him and he tumbles to the side, round and round we go one getting the advantage then the other.  We are both breathing heavily and I'm exhausted and I'm feeling funny.  We kiss and I can feel sensations of it in my vagina.  Théo rubs himself against me; he is hard.  "Now," he says.  "Now's the time."

"OK."

He unbuckles his belt and drops his pants.  I do the same.  He gets between my legs and tries to enter.  Nothing.  It's not working.  He can't get inside no matter how hard he pushes.  This is hurting me.  I'm going to be a failure at losing my virginity.  He continues to thrust and thrust, we are both sweating.  And then it happens, there is a tearing feeling and he's in,  

keeps on going pumping up and down like a crazy man.  I want it to end now.  It's no fun and it hurts.  He builds himself up to some kind of climax then there is a release and he stops and rolls over.

I don't know what I expected, but this certainly is a let down.  It's gone, over, fini.  I'm not a virgin anymore.  Shouldn't there be more to it than this, trumpets, something.  All that talk and it doesn't last more than 15 minutes.  I haven't changed at all.  Well, maybe a little sore.  I sit up and spot the blood on the sheets.  "We'll have to wash that," Théo comments seeing me look at the stains.

"Yeah, I don't want Léon to see this.  Christ, it would be all over town.  I can just hear him with his snide fucking remarks."

"Are you OK, ma belle?" he looks concerned.

"I'm OK."

After we get things straightened out, wash the bloody sheet and dry it on the radiator we head out to meet the guys.  Out on the street, I realize that something has indeed changed.  I feel different, a kind of vulnerable, violated sense of myself.  The feeling you get after the medical exam and intervention.

"You're awfully quiet."

"Hmm."

As we get up to the Strand on Main Street, it disgorges its moviegoers and we wait by the doors for Raymond and the others.  Everybody's got that dazed, coming out of the catacombs, look.  "Hey!" Freddy calls to us from inside the lobby.  We join up and walk over to Sabattus Street heading for Luiggi's.  The group is scattered, Freddy and brother Léon way ahead of us (must be hungry), the two buddies walking together, Raymond telling Théo the story's plot.  Two neighborhood boys, that's what they are.

"What's that on your pants?  It looks like a cum stain," Dick points to my jeans.

I quickly look to the nonexisting stain on my pants, then I look at him, but I don't reply.  There's no need to, because when our eyes meet the truth is revealed.  He has nothing else to say.  We walk on in silence dragging behind the others.  Am I imagining things or does this boy who's main preoccupation is sex feel sad for me, for my loss?  Maybe he wanted me to remain forever unattainable.  I can't imagine how he guessed it.  Does it show in my face?  

By the time Dick and I trail into the pizzeria the others are sitting at a booth and have already placed their orders.  Théo gets up and motions for us to sit next to him.  So, it's Dick, myself and Théo, and on the other side, Léon, Raymond and Freddy.  Léon pulls a silver flask out of his pocket and pours a shot in everybody's Pepsi, including mine.  The waitress brings us two big pizzas, double cheese and pepperoni.  I watch as the guys grab their piece of pie.  Everybody's talking all at once. Théo strokes my thigh under the table while Dick surreptitiously looks on.

I feel closer to Théo now.  I belong to him.  Everybody's stuffing their face, the pizza, the drinks, yak, yak, yak.  Théo puts his arm around my shoulder and I draw in closer.  Yak, yak, it continues, the meaning of love, family and avarice.  What about fame?  I take it all in and I nod appropriately.  All of this talk doesn't amount to the change I have in my pocket.  In the end all there is the six of us sitting at Luiggi's on Sunday night, our little circle.  Yak, yak, yak.  I'm here with the guys and yet I'm not.  I've become older than them, not physiologically but in wisdom.  I've found my way somewhere, they're still looking.  

I'm not sure where this somewhere is leading me, but sitting here tonight close to Théo, it looks OK.  I feel better than I have felt in a while now.  The lost, grasping at straws, feeling is gone.  I drink my Pepsi with the others and feel the warmth of its cognac in my belly.