the squeeze

12.5.21

      Notice how verbs have a way of becoming nouns.  Take the verb squeeze, it is now also a noun, as in my squeeze, meaning my honey.  I'm reading a book in which another ominous meaning has been attached to it.

      Barbara Hurd, who wrote "Entering the Stone: On Caves and Feeling Through the Dark," is an avid caver and an excellent writer.  Her essay on the exploration of caves, and how she got started on this adventure is fascinating.  She had a number of friends who were involved in caving doing scientific research.  She also has a degree in chemistry.  There had been a divorce, and now her good friend was dying, slowly.  At times, her friend was engaged and interested, and then there were times where she seemed a million miles away, off to where she would eventually go.  So Barbara took up caving, an avocation that is not for the weak of heart.  You are crawling around on hands and knees in the darkest dark you'll ever experience, occasionally in situations so tight you can't lift an arm or leg.  A phenomenon occurs at times which cavers have named, the Squeeze. 

      Imagine yourself crawling through rock so narrow you can only inch forward propelling yourself with your feet.  Your dim head lamp illuminates the feet of a companion ahead of you, and another friend follows behind.  The stone all around you, and a mere two inches from your face, and then it happens; the Squeeze is like a train barrelling down the track with you tied to the ground in front of it; it is annihilation, and you are trapped -- a horrendous panic attack.  Even expert cavers will occasionally get them.  The Squeeze and I have a longstanding relationship.  I have dreams in which I am trapped  and suffocate in the most horrible ways.  The moment of waking brings the nightmare to light and I am in full panic.  I must jump out of that bed or die, and I have tried to talk myself down, It's only a dream; I'm safe at home, etc., none of it works, I must absolutely get out of bed which is bringing me to the edge of death, and then I will pace till I bring myself down.  The thought of being trapped underground with stone all around me crawling through a tunnel, boxed in on each side by a companion, no escape, is my nightmare brought to life. 

      Torturers have reported that every human being has a Squeeze; it is the job of torturers to find it and use it against their victims.  But it's not just humans, I had a dog, German Shephard, brave, protective, intelligent, who would go into convulsions when seeing a snake.  It's not that the snake was poisonous, (there are no poisonous snakes in Maine) Ginny just couldn't deal with it.  Childhood fear?  Maybe.  But definitely a Squeeze.  I believe your particular Squeeze affects you all the time; your subconscious efforts to avoid it curtail your behavior, your activities.  If being caught in an underground cave is the equivalent of the numerical value 10 as highest on a scale, an 8 might be the possible trap of a loveless marriage, a 6 the fear of being alone, a 2 might be large crowds, a crowded elevator. 

      Barbara Hurd used her Squeeze to focus some attention on problems in her life.  The Buddhists say that in order to overcome the Squeeze you must examine every facet of it.  She does so in the cave by becoming aware of the stone, its feel against her body, the fetid cave smell, and she is able to calm down and move on.  Another Squeeze of mine has been a fear of writing.  Every afternoon I performed my little ritual of avoiding the computer.  It used to start at 4 pm, then I wouldn't start till 5, and then, well I could start any time I wanted, couldn't I?  Turn the computer on, check e-mail, start writing; is it time to quit yet?  Surely I've done enough . . .

      Interestingly, I never have problems writing this essay.  Lately, I've started talking to myself about my avoidance behavior, as I'm exhibiting it, in an effort to expose it and try to understand what's going on.  I still don't understand why I'm afraid, but the fear seems to have receded since I've started bringing the behavior to light. 

      Ultimately the Squeeze brings us face to face with the darkest of dark, the void, annihilation.  This can be turned into a source of power if conquered.

The favorite post this month has been the podcast, Fellow Writers