split self
Sun 8.22.21
I came to the end of the road in NYC. It took me a while to figure that out. I loved Manhattan, which for an artist is the ultimate Candy Store. The museums, music, theatre, architecture, design, fashion, publishers, everybody is running around shouting, Look at me; this is what I’m about. And it’s fabulous, one is exposed to the best of the best in every field. Once I had had my fill spiritual self wanted out and I found myself doing things to subvert my intention of making Manhattan my permanent home. When it was over and I left with my broken heart I came to understand that I have only one home and that my path is my home. There is nothing or no one to cling to. One has to learn that all the answers are within self. I had to learn to pay attention to the promptings that spiritual self sends out. It’s not that becoming aware changes anything. The stumbling and the bumbling is what causes change, that creates another avenue on one’s path. I hated the turmoil, the split in which I was constantly sabotaging myself having to do things I didn’t want to, but had created a situation in which I had no choice, forcing myself to do what I didn’t want. But the sabotage is important because it points out what is at heart of one’s split self.
Split self is not present; it is dealing with an inner conflict. There, but not there, open to all possibilities. My memoir The Tenant’s Tale opens with a scene in which I am on a cruise ship on the Hudson River working as a background player for some TV series whose name I’ve forgotten. It occurred to me as we headed down Manhattan’s West Side, heading straight for Lady Liberty, down past Chelsea with all its chic restaurants, its stylish boutiques, that I had experienced it all with my little black dress, and well, here I was playing a tourist when in fact, I had already reached a conclusion about what I was seeing, It took me 330 pages to comprehend what I stated at the beginning of the book.
The favorite post this month has been Simulation Theory
