soulmate
Sun 4.16.23
What of the soulmate situation, you ask. Below are two examples of this rare phenomenon. The first is recounted by the 16th century philosopher and essayest Michel de Montaigne which he describes in his essay, Of Friendship, to which I have taken relevant paragraphs of his soulmate relationship with Estienne de la Boetie. Please note this is not a homosexual relationship; they are not lovers. Indeed Montaigne does not believe such love could exist in sexual/romantic relationship. He is wrong, as my second example shows.
Of Friendship (excerpts)
by Michel de Montaigne
What we commonly call friends and friendships, are nothing but acquaintance and familiarities, either occasionally contracted, or upon some design, by means of which there happens some little intercourse betwixt our souls. But in the friendship I speak of, (with Estienne de la Boetie) they mix and work themselves into one piece, with so universal a mixture, that there is no more sign of the seam by which they were first conjoined. If a man should importune me to give a reason why I loved him, I find it could no otherwise be expressed, than by making answer: because it was he, because it was I. There is, beyond all that I am able to say, I know not what inexplicable and fated power that brought on this union. We sought one another long before we met, and by the characters we heard of one another, which wrought upon our affections more than, in reason, mere reports should do; I think 'twas by some secret appointment of heaven. We embraced in our names; and at our first meeting, which was accidentally at a great city entertainment, we found ourselves so mutually taken with one another, so acquainted, and so endeared betwixt ourselves, that from thenceforward nothing was so near to us as one another.
Our souls had drawn so unanimously together, they had considered each other with so ardent an affection, and with the like affection laid open the very bottom of our hearts to one another's view, that I not only knew his as well as my own; but should certainly in any concern of mine have trusted my interest much more willingly with him, than with myself.
Let no one, therefore, rank other common friendships with such a one as this. In those other ordinary friendships, you are to walk with bridle in your hand, with prudence and circumspection, for in them the knot is not so sure that a man may not half suspect it will slip.
I do not find myself obliged to myself for any service I do myself: so the union of such friends, being truly perfect, deprives them of all idea of such duties, and makes them loathe and banish from their conversation these words of division and distinction, benefits, obligation, acknowledgment, entreaty, thanks, and the like. All things, wills, thoughts, opinions, goods, wives, children, honours, and lives, being in effect common betwixt them, and that absolute concurrence of affections being no other than one soul in two bodies they can neither lend nor give anything to one another.
When I worked at Franklin Memorial Hospital as a psychiatric social worker, administration would in the summer set up long tables and a cafeteria outside for its employees. One day, a physical therapist came to sit at our table. We were a bunch of women from all departments and, after hospital chit chat, the subject turned to love. The woman, let's call her Betty, told us the story of how she met her husband.
A friend had fixed her up on a blind date. Betty had been widowed for 7 years, had 5 kids and only agreed to the date to please her friend. No man, she figured, would want to saddle himself to a woman with 5 kids. It had been years since she had gone out on a date and she was nervous about what to wear. Foregoing a frilly dress and heels, she chose slacks and a sweater. She wanted to be comfortable.
When he arrived at 8 pm to pick her up, she could see he was equally as nervous. There had been no plan as to how they would spend their evening. He offered to take her for a drink at a local lounge. She was relieved to see that he looked good and seemed nice. They had the drink and several others, spending the evening at the lounge talking and laughing until the owner told them they had to leave as he was closing up.
The next morning at 5 am, he called inviting her to breakfast. They spent the day together and he introduced her to his own 6 children -- a divorced man, had been so for many years. They spent that day together, then the next day, and the following day, being together for several weeks. It was the most natural union either had ever experienced. After she had missed work several times to be with him, her boss gave her some time off and told her to go marry her man. From the very first moment they met, they never spent a day apart. Their bond was such that there were never any bad feelings, jealousy, control issues. And the same applied to their kids. Eleven kids all getting along was nothing short of a miracle. It felt to her as if they were of the same flesh, the same psyche.
At the time she told us her story sitting at table in the Franklin Memorial Hospital lot, she had been married for ten years and was just as happy to be with him as the first evening she met him. Many people in my work ask me about whether their paramour is a soulmate. The soulmate union is rare and when it happens, one does not have to ask, one knows.
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Eight o'clock Sunday morning, the police arrive at her apartment in Greenwich Village, "How long have you been living here?" The roommate Elizabeth, after having accepted her half of the deposit money and rent for their new apartment, has called the police.
New York City doesn’t open its arms to welcome her, but she’s arrived and the adventure of her life is about to unfold. She’s come from Maine with an invitation from Sarah Lawrence College to participate in the graduate writing program.
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